That's right, lit review . . .

... that was me that just rocked your world.  I bet you never saw it coming. 

You might want to picture me jumping around throwing punches in the air as I have just conquered an assignment that has been weighing on me all week.  For my master's program we have an option of doing a research project instead of writing a thesis.  Now, as interesting as writing a thesis about food recalls and 24-hour food diaries might be (bleh) I chose the research option.  It sounded really interesting and I love the idea of discovering something new that helps all kinds of people.  And bland writing about boring topics really makes me want to roll my eyes and leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

So one of the first classes I have is about setting up your research proposal.  Making sure you have an appropriate idea with measureable objectives.  And for this week, we needed to do a literature review to show what research had already been done, and identify an area of need.  Normally this would excite me.  However, I don't know exactly what I want to study.  It changes every week!!  So I had to pick one of the many topics I have an interest in.  Then I had to look up current research on the topic, and put it together in a short review which read like a story as opposed to a book report with lots of quotes.  Ick.  I didn't want to do it.  It's that first sentence that kills me.  That first one that gets the mental engine to turn over and gets the ideas flowing. 

But I did it.  That first sentence came pretty easily, and it was amazing how I was still staring at a basically blank word document, but my brain had already drawn lines from my research notes to the place in the review where they would just naturally fall into place.  It was as if I could see the whole review outlined in my brain and all I had to do was to just sit down and give my fingers a moment to put it together.  It's done!  And not to pat myself on the back (which I'm doing anyway), but I think I rocked it.  I think if I wanted to choose this for my topic,  I put together a fantastic case for the research's need.

Bring on the Scalpel

About a month ago I was talking with a friend about things that bother us about ourselves these days and that we would like to alter.  What struck me as interesting was how this has changed over the years.  Starting around adolescence and all the way up through early adulthood I definitely recall comparing myself to my friends and other girls.  One might have had bigger boobs, and I thought mine were too small.  Another one might have had pretty curly hair, and I was blessed with stick-straight hair.  I couldn't tell you when this changed.  At some point I no longer looked at what physical attributes others had and compared myself.  Instead as I grew more mature I could appreciate beauty in my friends and other women, without feeling like I was lacking just because I was different.  Small boobs?  Who cared anymore.  I mean big boobs just slapped you in the face if you went for a jog, whereas my little mosquito bites weren't likely to get out of control.  Curly hair?  Yes, still beautiful, but the straight mop on my head worked out great for the bedhead look.  So from the conversation with my friend I think we determined that once we hit that level of maturity where we are no longer in some form of competition with those around us, we start looking at changes we want to make to ourselves that are completely personal.  And what did I come up with for myself?  Well... it's something that has weighed on me since I was in 9th grade, and after a movie day with my boys where they asked to watch my wedding DVD over and over again, I decided it was time to do something about it.

When I was in 9th grade I got a couple extra adult teeth that I was not anticipating.  They broke through my gums in the wrong place.  This prompted a trip to the orthodontist for my braces consult.  The orthodontist said that he could correct the teeth but would not be able to fully correct my overbite because it was the result of a retrognathic jaw (upper jaw protrudes out and lower jaw does not come up and meet properly).  So off to the oral surgeon I went.  There I was told that in order to fix the problem, they would remove pieces of the upper jaw and screw it back together so that the lower jaw would meet correctly and if this did not fully correct my ... "abnormal, recessive chin then an implant could be put in."  Really, now what kind of doctor tells a girl in her adolescence that her face is abnormal???  We did not end up proceding with the surgery, but instead found a different orthodontist that used braces to align my teeth and fix the overbite (sort of).  I couldn't honestly tell you if I gave too much thought to the abnormal/recessive chin for a while after that as it was almost 20 years ago and I had a laundry list of other insecurities; but I never forgot those words. 

To this day I have never had anyone make a comment about my facial profile.  In fact everyone I mention my upcoming surgery to says they have never noticed anything or they think I'm crazy.  However, I never knowingly allow a profile picture to be taken of me and my husband constantly asks if everything is okay when my mouth is closed and he's looking at me from the side (because he thinks I'm pouting, when in fact that's just how my face looks) - talk about frustrating.  I don't like driving in the car because I know the passenger will be looking at me from the side if we have a conversation.  In fact, preparing for my wedding was nerve racking, because I knew that as I stood on the alter everyone in attendance would be seeing me from the side.  So this past summer, during our marathon session of watching my wedding DVD I suddenly realized that without him knowing how much my profile bothered me, my brother had managed to catch images of me from the side... repeatedly.  I love my wedding DVD.  It was an amazing day, and beautifully captured by my brother; but having to watch myself from the side with that profile I had loathed for years made my stomach turn.  When my husband returned home from work I was in tears at having to look at what image I was displaying to others routinely.  It didn't project the strong, secure image that I felt I gave from the front.  In fact I didn't feel like that profile fit with my personality at all.  After a long discussion with my husband, who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what, I made an appointment at a local cosmetic center.

So what happens next? Well, next Thursday I go under the knife. I'm beyond excited. They will make an incision in my chin, slide in an implant and stitch me up. My situation is further complicated by the fact that resting over my recessive chin is an overactive muscle. This means that when my mouth is closed, the muscle is active and noticeable. Can they correct this with surgery? Nope. The only fix for that is periodic botox - which I instantly declined. I mean if they make it so that muscle isn't active, then how could I possibly make the ridiculous faces that show up in most of the candid pictures people take of me?? I can't run or exercise for a couple weeks afterwards, which has me bummed because I was finally starting to take that bull by the horns. I also have to avoid full contact sports, or anything where you might get hit by accident - explain that one to my energetic boys. Put those two together - no exercise and no possibly injuring activities - and it looks like my husband who is due home soon from deployment will be sadly disappointed. But I soon will have a facial profile that mirrors the strong/dominant woman I am... no more of that recessive/weak crap. :)