Pavlov's Dog

Okay, Pavlov's dog seriously had nothing on my 3-year-old.  I would have thought that once he got past the heavy teething stage, the drooling would slow up.  Not the case here.  Granted he is not constantly oozing at the mouth, and doesn't necessarily need to wear a bib all day, but there are certain circumstances that seem to bring on the slobber.

1.  Food or the discussion of food of any kind.  So talking about having lunch, and the drool starts.  Rip open a packet of "fruit" snacks and the drool comes without even mentioning treats.
2.  Distraction.  This is never me trying to distract him, it would be him distracting himself from the need to swallow his own spit.  So, while concentrating on playing with a toy - better hope all the toys are water-resistant.  Coloring - in case you didn't know, it gets pretty hard to draw on soaking wet paper with a crayon.  V-smile video game - I have to cross my fingers that the drool hits his shirt instead of landing on the screen.
3.  And finally... you may want to stop reading here if my discussion of boy in the bathroom bothers you... when we're peeing or pooping.  Oh yes.  Lots of concentration involved when using the potty.  So if he's peeing, then usually there's some drool hitting the potty too.  Actually, now that I think of it, there may be more drool than pee somedays - as he likes to look around while peeing which tends to keep the pee from hitting the mark.  And then there's the daily pooping.  He still likes some assistance for this activity, as it's terribly hard (apparently) to remember to tuck the penis down when you're very busy working on pooping.  So there I am, holding down his equipment while he holds his breath, turning red in the face - all while maintaining firm eye contact with me - and a stream of drool run off his pouty lip, past his shirt collar and straight onto my hand.

So sloppiness aside, what I can't figure out is how that boy doesn't get dehydrated.  I mean these are not small quantities of liquid escaping his body.  And what do we have in store with an influx of candy expected this weekend and Monday.  I'm going to have to pick up some more swiffer pads, or maybe I'll see if roomba makes a non-stop mopper.

Boys are disgusting

Okay, I'm shaking my head right now.  Are all boys as disgusting as my little monsters?  And at what point did they turn into such dirty little things? 

Right now they are on the couch playing with a refrigerator toy.  This thing asks them a question and then they push another button to record their answer.  After it's done recording, it plays back what they said.  Okay, so the question was "what do you do in the morning?".  Simple enough.  So they push the button and start rambling.  "I get up, I eat breakfast, I play with toys, I watch a show..." and I'm listening and thinking that all this sounds right.  But they keep going because they haven't said anything amusing enough yet, "...I pee in my pants and I poop in my underwear and my diaper my diaper my diaper..."!  Huh?  You would think my house was covered in nasty undergarments, but it's not.  And who is wearing a diaper that they are pooping in?  Is something only funny if it involves the words poop, penis or diaper?  I'm thinking yes.

The problem is this was just their dirty discussions.  On our walk home from school on Friday I observed my 5-year-old who was already all too familiar with the 5 second rule when you drop a fruit snack on the sidewalk.  Moments later he pulled his pants down to pee on some bushes and when some splattered and hit his hand, he felt the need to put those fingers in his mouth!!!  I was speechless.

I would have to say on a daily basis these boys perform some act that has me shaking my head and wondering where they come up with the ideas for their dirty games and disgusting actions.  I haven't ever peed on my hands and then put them in my mouth.  I certainly don't remember showing them how much fun it was to put a full roll of toilet paper in the potty and then ball up snowballs of it and throw them at the tub wall.  Certainly I must be getting paid back for something that my husband did as a child.  And everytime they do something nasty and then look at me and smile, their expressions look just like their Daddy's.

Penis Poop Penis Poop... Bagina

So now that you've read my boring comments on why I blog, let's take a sneak peak at today's witty conversation coming from my sweet little boys.  Apparently in the world of a 5 years old, if a sentence is going to be funny, then it has to have the word penis or poop in it.  Oh, wait "poopy" works too.  A knock knock joke is not truly funny unless we add poopy to the description.  For example, "knock knock... who's there... poopy car".  Oh, sorry, were you looking for the rest of the joke?  It doesn't exist since we only get this far before the giggling starts, and then suddenly I'm given the exact same joke from my 3 year old, in his broken English (which I have to admit kind of makes it sound a little funny).  I was also informed that "stinky" Daddy farts and poops - which is typically a given - so when I didn't respond with surprise, I was told this same fact 4 more times.  Trips to the store have to include the running penis/poop commentary so that everyone in town gets to enjoy it too.  My sister, who was visiting, got to hear from my 3 year old that Daddy has a huge penis - as he held up his arms like he was showing me the size of a fish he once caught.  Oh, young boys.  Everything looks that big when you're 3.  And last, but not least... bagina.  For those who are not seasoned with toddler-ese, this term means "vagina".  This would be the item that girls have whereas boys have a penis.  I don't think I could even count the number of times in a day that I get interrogated about possessing a bagina.  "Where is it mommy, is it in your butt?"  or "Mommy do you have a huge bagina?"  Well, I certainly hope not!!  I can't for the life of me figure out how they know that this is a sensitive subject for some more proper individuals.  Anytime they make comments about their equipment I certainly handle it the same way we would talk about their arm or leg.  So what is it in that male brain that drives them to focus so much on that one dangling appendage?  I can hardly wait to send my 5 year old off for kindergarten and have him question his new teacher about her lack of penis.  Parent/Teacher conferences should be interesting.