Pavlov's Dog

Okay, Pavlov's dog seriously had nothing on my 3-year-old.  I would have thought that once he got past the heavy teething stage, the drooling would slow up.  Not the case here.  Granted he is not constantly oozing at the mouth, and doesn't necessarily need to wear a bib all day, but there are certain circumstances that seem to bring on the slobber.

1.  Food or the discussion of food of any kind.  So talking about having lunch, and the drool starts.  Rip open a packet of "fruit" snacks and the drool comes without even mentioning treats.
2.  Distraction.  This is never me trying to distract him, it would be him distracting himself from the need to swallow his own spit.  So, while concentrating on playing with a toy - better hope all the toys are water-resistant.  Coloring - in case you didn't know, it gets pretty hard to draw on soaking wet paper with a crayon.  V-smile video game - I have to cross my fingers that the drool hits his shirt instead of landing on the screen.
3.  And finally... you may want to stop reading here if my discussion of boy in the bathroom bothers you... when we're peeing or pooping.  Oh yes.  Lots of concentration involved when using the potty.  So if he's peeing, then usually there's some drool hitting the potty too.  Actually, now that I think of it, there may be more drool than pee somedays - as he likes to look around while peeing which tends to keep the pee from hitting the mark.  And then there's the daily pooping.  He still likes some assistance for this activity, as it's terribly hard (apparently) to remember to tuck the penis down when you're very busy working on pooping.  So there I am, holding down his equipment while he holds his breath, turning red in the face - all while maintaining firm eye contact with me - and a stream of drool run off his pouty lip, past his shirt collar and straight onto my hand.

So sloppiness aside, what I can't figure out is how that boy doesn't get dehydrated.  I mean these are not small quantities of liquid escaping his body.  And what do we have in store with an influx of candy expected this weekend and Monday.  I'm going to have to pick up some more swiffer pads, or maybe I'll see if roomba makes a non-stop mopper.

Parking Lot Etiquette

Parking was tight when we pulled in, but I left enough room on either side for the trucks parked there to get in and out.  We managed to get ourselves out of the trailblazer without touching anyone's vehicle, which is tough to do when you've got a sweet ghetto booty like mine.  So we picked up a few things at the cheap supermarket and we were making a stop at the car before heading across the lot to visit K-Mart, when I noticed a note on my windshield.  Someone who must have been parked near us saw a gentleman in the truck to our right throw his door into the side of our car and thought he would let me know the guys vehicle and license number.  I thought this was a very nice gesture.  Too bad the man who did the damage didn't feel the need to leave the note because he wouldn't have had to live the rest of his day with a guilty conscience.  For all he knew my car could have been a really sweet SUV, as opposed to a nicely polished pile of poop with about 4 layers of touch of paint in the same spot he scuffed. 

I had plenty of time to inspect the new eye sore on the car door as both the boys felt the need to drop their pants and pee in the parking lot.  My oldest went first and as he was wrapping up his river, he quickly pulled up his pants and bent over to pick something up.  Yup... candy.  He had spotted what looked like a green fruit snack in the parking lot and was about to give it some leniency with regards to the 5-second rule.  I guess since I've already begun to describe how disgusting little boys are you can easily imagine one of them thinking that it would be okay to eat the treat.  The picture below describes quite clearly why my cat-like reflexes kicked in and blocked him from snagging it.  What exactly was it that made him think this was a good choice?  Am I not feeding him enough?  Did the man who slammed his door into our car leave this here?  And did my 5-year-old honestly believe that just because the pee hadn't dribbled under the fruit snack that it was still a viable snack?

Boys are disgusting

Okay, I'm shaking my head right now.  Are all boys as disgusting as my little monsters?  And at what point did they turn into such dirty little things? 

Right now they are on the couch playing with a refrigerator toy.  This thing asks them a question and then they push another button to record their answer.  After it's done recording, it plays back what they said.  Okay, so the question was "what do you do in the morning?".  Simple enough.  So they push the button and start rambling.  "I get up, I eat breakfast, I play with toys, I watch a show..." and I'm listening and thinking that all this sounds right.  But they keep going because they haven't said anything amusing enough yet, "...I pee in my pants and I poop in my underwear and my diaper my diaper my diaper..."!  Huh?  You would think my house was covered in nasty undergarments, but it's not.  And who is wearing a diaper that they are pooping in?  Is something only funny if it involves the words poop, penis or diaper?  I'm thinking yes.

The problem is this was just their dirty discussions.  On our walk home from school on Friday I observed my 5-year-old who was already all too familiar with the 5 second rule when you drop a fruit snack on the sidewalk.  Moments later he pulled his pants down to pee on some bushes and when some splattered and hit his hand, he felt the need to put those fingers in his mouth!!!  I was speechless.

I would have to say on a daily basis these boys perform some act that has me shaking my head and wondering where they come up with the ideas for their dirty games and disgusting actions.  I haven't ever peed on my hands and then put them in my mouth.  I certainly don't remember showing them how much fun it was to put a full roll of toilet paper in the potty and then ball up snowballs of it and throw them at the tub wall.  Certainly I must be getting paid back for something that my husband did as a child.  And everytime they do something nasty and then look at me and smile, their expressions look just like their Daddy's.

Nervous and Excited

Tomorrow marks the first day of classes towards my Masters in Nutrition.  And I'm so nervous!!  I can't really explain the nerves I'm feeling.  Am I afraid I won't be able to keep up?  No.  I've got 7 years of hospital experience under my belt and a strong desire to get my hands dirty and learn more than my brain can possibly hold.  I think what makes me nervous is the fact that despite my best efforts, I've become somewhat accustomed to conversations with preschoolers.  Not that these aren't interesting in their own way, but answering "why mommy?" eighty times in a row doesn't really prepare me for forming scientific hypotheses.  My 5-year-old just informed me, as I was taking him to bed, that someone was controlling his butt as he farted the entire way to his room.  That kind of discussion doesn't really help me to determine the etiology of gas production, since I'm pretty sure the root cause of his was broccoli and not someone with a remote control.  So when it comes to getting back into the scholarly mindset I'm a little apprehensive.  Perhaps this will subside once class begins and I get into a routine.  More than anything, I can hardly wait for the opportunity to expand on what I already know and to nail down all those nagging little questions that I've had since my undergraduate days.  And at least I will always have my boys around if I need to develop new interview questions regarding bowel movements.

Halloween Treats - The "Fun Size" Candy Bar

Ooooh, I love Halloween.  My pants don't, but for some reason I can convince myself that eating a dozen fun size snickers bars isn't really like eating a couple regular size ones.  I recently heard a story regarding the use of a small candy bar that is going to make it impossible for me to eat these in a couple months.  First let me throw out a little background nutrition information.  There is a growing incidence of Diabetes in this country.  Type 2 (previous called "adult onset") is expanding exponentially, to the point where adolescents are being diagnosed.  Type 2 diabetes is preceded by insulin resistance where if left unmanaged will lead to an individual's inability to maintain regular blood sugars.  The next step may be an attempt to manage it with changes in diet and exercise, but a large number of people are not identified early enough and often have to start taking oral medications immediately.  Some have let it progress too far, or the oral medications are no longer effective, and find themselves with daily insulin injections.  Okay, so for people who are maintaining their blood sugars with diet/exercise and/or oral medications the risk of running a low blood sugar is minimal, whereas those who take insulin injections need to be more careful and be sure to adjust insulin levels depending on what foods they are eating and when exercise is being done to avoid this.  Alright, enough with boring background crap.

So my friend tells me this story of 30-40 year old man who was told that since he has diabetes (we are assuming non-insulin dependent based upon his physical makeup and age) and is doing some extra exercise, he needs to be careful to avoid a low blood sugar.  In an attempt to prevent going into a diabetic coma (highly unlikely with non-insulin dependent diabetes) he must carry around with him a ziploc with a little tube of lube and a fun size candy bar.  He informed my friend's husband that if he passes out, they should turn him over and insert the candy bar into his colon.  ............  pffffft....  Excuse me a moment, I had to get a good laugh out again about this.  He was dead serious!!  He claimed his doctor had told him to follow this procedure.  My friend is going to school for nursing and had never heard of such a thing, but she wanted to see what my response was since I had worked with so many diabetics.  My initial response was to wonder why he needed the lube.  I mean really, if you're inserting a chocolate bar, like a Twix, won't the chocolate melt and become easy to insert?  Next I wondered who was going to step up and handle that particular task if this guy passed out.  And on top of that, was someone going to shove this tiny "fun size" treat all the way up to jejunum (small intestine)?  It wouldn't be as simple just popping it in his butt?  Your rectum doesn't do much, but put stuff out, and your colon (next up the line) isn't going to absorb carbohydrates.  Finally, if someone is passed out because of a low blood sugar, the first thing you want to get into their system is some pure high-octane sugar.  You don't want a candy bar because it has a nice combination of carbohydrate, protein and fat (which slows down the absorption rate of the sugar).

Take home message??  Sometimes your doctor might have a sense of humor and it helps if you do to!  Oh, and if you have diabetes and you want to carry around something in case your blood sugar runs low, how about some Gluco-Tabs or Glucose Gel packs - not a sandwich baggie with a Milky Way and lube.

Penis Poop Penis Poop... Bagina

So now that you've read my boring comments on why I blog, let's take a sneak peak at today's witty conversation coming from my sweet little boys.  Apparently in the world of a 5 years old, if a sentence is going to be funny, then it has to have the word penis or poop in it.  Oh, wait "poopy" works too.  A knock knock joke is not truly funny unless we add poopy to the description.  For example, "knock knock... who's there... poopy car".  Oh, sorry, were you looking for the rest of the joke?  It doesn't exist since we only get this far before the giggling starts, and then suddenly I'm given the exact same joke from my 3 year old, in his broken English (which I have to admit kind of makes it sound a little funny).  I was also informed that "stinky" Daddy farts and poops - which is typically a given - so when I didn't respond with surprise, I was told this same fact 4 more times.  Trips to the store have to include the running penis/poop commentary so that everyone in town gets to enjoy it too.  My sister, who was visiting, got to hear from my 3 year old that Daddy has a huge penis - as he held up his arms like he was showing me the size of a fish he once caught.  Oh, young boys.  Everything looks that big when you're 3.  And last, but not least... bagina.  For those who are not seasoned with toddler-ese, this term means "vagina".  This would be the item that girls have whereas boys have a penis.  I don't think I could even count the number of times in a day that I get interrogated about possessing a bagina.  "Where is it mommy, is it in your butt?"  or "Mommy do you have a huge bagina?"  Well, I certainly hope not!!  I can't for the life of me figure out how they know that this is a sensitive subject for some more proper individuals.  Anytime they make comments about their equipment I certainly handle it the same way we would talk about their arm or leg.  So what is it in that male brain that drives them to focus so much on that one dangling appendage?  I can hardly wait to send my 5 year old off for kindergarten and have him question his new teacher about her lack of penis.  Parent/Teacher conferences should be interesting.

A Color Wheel for Scents

Today I was thinking, while doing laundry, that perhaps I should develop something like a color wheel for scents.  With the color wheel you begin with the primary colors and you can see where they overlap and form new colors.  If red and blue overlap you get purple.  If red and yellow overlap you get orange.  Okay, so with the scent wheel, you could take two very unique scents, overlap them, and Voila! it tells you what scent you will get.  Why would this come in handy?  Because it could help me explain how a laundry hamper full of clothes from two potty trained boys could possibly smell like pure poop at the bottom.  Clearly no one dropped messy underwear in there, so it must have been a combination of two unique scents that somehow managed to burn my nostrils as I reached for that last sock.  Bleh!  If I had the scent wheel, I would have known what not to mix together.

What has this experience taught me?  Perhaps a plastic or wicker hamper would be a great replacement for the current cloth variety we possess.

Me in 1200 words or less?

As I started setting up my blog, this was my first hurdle.  How can I possibly describe my experiences and my thought process in a way that might make people feel a kinship to me?  And then how could I fit my experiences into 1200 words?  Well, I can't.  I suppose I wouldn't have started a blog if I had as little as 1200 words to say about anything.  Then I wondered who would want to read what I had to write?  I'm not a celebrity or the CEO of a major company.  Just a regular girl.  I have two boys, ages 3 and 5 (which I'm sure will provide a large amount of material for me to blog about).  My husband of 6 years is on active duty in the Navy and presently deployed.  I am the owner/operator of West Road Soy Candles as well as Uforya Body.  I was raised in MidCoast Maine and attended the University of Maine where I received my degree in Nutrition.  After graduation I worked as a Dietitian for 7 years and bartended on the weekends (which is how I met my husband).  I currently reside in Washington State and am about to embark on my Master's in Nutrition program in two weeks (eeeek!).

Wow, so I guess I have a little bit of a resume.  So what can you expect from a blog written by me?  I'll be honest.  There really isn't anything I won't discuss.  Takes a lot to make me blush and I haven't come across many topics that I shy away from.  My primary purpose for the blog was a daily outlet for me.  With my husband gone, I find that I observe a lot of different things over the course of a day and then have no one to share them with - preK boys don't want to listen to what I have to say unless I use the word "poop" a lot.  I would like to empower other military spouses to be strong individuals while still being great supporters of their loved ones.  I want to help people who want to take something they love to do and create their own small businesses (love a good entrepreneur).  I want to share my quick wit so that others can find the humor in every situation, because anyone who knows me is well aware that I can't take anything seriously.  Finally, I want to talk maybe just a little here and there about Nutrition, because it is a big interest of mine. 

Well, I think that's a good start.  Doesn't really let you know all that much about me, but I like a little mystery.